


Do You Ever Want (Something) ?

by ectoplasmiic



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Family Feels, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-08
Updated: 2016-12-15
Packaged: 2018-09-07 08:00:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8789914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ectoplasmiic/pseuds/ectoplasmiic
Summary: “Keith,” Lance spoke quietly, waiting for Keith to give any sort of acknowledgement before continuing. All he got was a hum, Keith only quickly glancing to Lance out of the corner of his eye. “Do you ever want...”~~~ Shit's Gonna get Gay I Swear ~~~A Collection of times Lance has asked Keith if he's ever wanted some things.





	1. Do you ever want to leave?

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first thing I've managed to finish?? omg
> 
> Please feel free to correct me on spelling errors and give criticism in the comments!! (though please don't be too harsh, I'm sensitive to it ^^)

Tiny twinkling lights, from stars millions upon millions of lightyears away. Filling up the black void of space with their faraway light. Their status of living unknown, whether still burning bright or having already gone supernova long ago. The only thing filling the dark emptiness between and within Galaxies, the only thing remotely close to a landmark you could get when out so far away from anything familiar. Moving on their own path through the empty, lonely nothingness of the universe. Even with the ever changing placements of them that comes with moving through space, they’re the only vague semblance of familiarity you can get when you’re so far out in space. Long past Earth, long gone from Arus, even.

 

Sometimes looking at the stars while everybody was asleep could feel like a comfort for Lance. It could make him feel like he was at home, back on Earth. Maybe on top of the Garrison, looking up at the stars and still so naive as to what’s really out there. Admiring the way it looks up there and imagining being a Galaxy Garrison Pilot, flying his team around for Garrison Official missions. But sometimes it could just remind him of how far he was. How the sky he was looking at wasn’t really the one from earth, how different it really was. There wasn’t a single familiar constellation. The Milky Way was nowhere to be seen. He was too far from any of those things to see them, and it would probably stay that way for a long time.

 

Unfortunately, this night was one of the latter. Unable to sleep, Lance had snuck out from his room and down the halls until he reached the control room. There he sat, staring out the front window of the ship, just taking in the stars and constellations that had changed since he’d last been looking out this view. They were all different from what he last remembered, of course. The ship was almost always on the move, how could he expect consistency in the stars as any form of comfort?

 

Taking a deep breath, Lance pulled his knees to his chest, resting his chin on his knees as he took in the stars. Always different. Pretty in such a sad way sometimes. Pretty, but not _his_ stars. Not the ones he’d been wanting to see for months if not upwards of a year now. God, he missed them.

 

He found himself tearing up and sniffling as soon as the thought of the stars he once knew entered his mind, burying his face in his knees as he tried not to cry. Or at least, not cry loudly. He was far from the bedrooms but it still stood that he didn’t want to be heard, even if there was nobody to hear him. He hated the idea of crying in front of people, even if the chances anybody else was even awake were slim.

 

He sniffled and jolted upwards when the door to the control room opened, reaching for his bayard that he’d brought just in case. He’d learned over time, even on the ship he wasn’t entirely safe without it. It was always better to have it on hand just in case. Just in case.

 

He let out a sigh when he recognized who stood in the doorway, pulling his hand away from his bayard and standing up slowly. He leaned forward on the control panel, letting his right arm hold most of the weight while he rested his chin in his left hand.

 

“Hey Keith,” He greeted, pushing a signature cocky grin onto his face. “What’re you doing up so late?”  
“I could ask you the same thing.” Keith gave Lance a look he couldn’t quite read before entering the control room fully, the door shutting with that stereotypical sci-fi sound that Lance loved to poke fun at. Sometimes it really was pretty amusing, how much this ship reminded him of _Star Wars_ from all those little things. He didn’t bring it up after Keith threw him the fact that _’if this was_ Star Wars _you’d be a Stormtrooper, with your aim.’_

 

Lance shrugged, dropping his hands to push himself off of the control panel as Keith slowly approached. Geez, the guy really couldn’t see in the dark, could he? Or maybe he was just wary of approaching Lance. Whichever.

 

“Couldn’t sleep so I decided to pass time stargazing.” He shrugged, scooping his bayard off the ground in favor of shoving it in between the elastic of his waistband and his skin. 

 

“Is that a crime? Or something?” He questioned when Keith remained silent, watching as the shorter of the two made his way around the control room, stopping for a moment to stare out at the vast, empty universe in front of them.

 

“No. Can I join you?” Keith barely glanced at Lance, giving him next to no time to answer before sitting down as Lance had previously been, knees pulled up to his chest as he stared out into space.

 

“Sure, not like I have much of a choice anyways.” Lance muttered as he sat down just a bit of a ways away from Keith. It wasn’t that he disliked the guy- really, he didn’t entirely hate him,- but he was afraid if he sat too close to him he’d pick up on the fact he had almost been crying. And honestly he’d probably tear up again, but he really didn’t want to go anywhere else right now. This was where he wanted to be, if he had to be anywhere on this ship. 

 

They sat together in a mutual silence for what felt like forever, each getting lost in their own thoughts and the vast emptiness that stretched on for infinite before them. For once no arguing or anything of the like went on between them as they simply watched stars ever so slowly crawl by as the ship drifted through space.

 

It wasn’t until Lance inhaled that either remembered they weren’t both alone but, in fact, the other was still in there.

 

“Keith,” Lance spoke quietly, waiting for Keith to give any sort of acknowledgement before continuing. All he got was a hum, Keith only quickly glancing to Lance out of the corner of his eye.

 

“Do you ever want to leave?” Lance pulled his knees closer to his body, all but curling into a ball as he turned his gaze from the window to the ground.

 

“Leave?” Keith turned his head to face Lance fully, brow furrowed as he tried to fathom what the Cuban boy could possibly mean. 

 

“As in, leave Voltron? Lance you aren’t going to leave are you? That’s-” Keith began to raise his voice as he went on, clearly starting to get some kind of upset, before Lance interrupted him.

 

“No. Sorry, I was just curious if you ever thought about it. I’m not going to leave Voltron.” He gave Keith a small, if not rather weak and somewhat tired, smile. “Idiot mullet.”

 

Keith frowned, turning his body to face Lance fully. He let his legs drop so they were flat on the ground before crossing them, following with his arms soon after.

 

“What’s wrong.” He asked in such a tone that it sounded more like a demand for Lance to reveal whatever was wrong instead of a question. Really, it sounded like he was trying to say _‘tell me what the fuck you actually meant, you asshole,’_ instead of _‘what’s wrong.’_

 

Lance hesitated, furrowing his brow as he glanced from Keith to the stars and back again. As if he was trying to determine whether he should tell the truth to Keith or throw himself at the window and hope it breaks so he could escape into the vast empty void of space. It took him a moment to finally slouch in defeat, refusing to look at Keith as he instead kept his gaze on the floor, resting his arms on his knees to keep himself from just letting his body fall over.

 

“I’ve thought about it. Leaving Voltron, I mean. I’ve talked about it with Pidge. We convince each other not to do it, actually. That doesn’t mean I don’t still think about it, sometimes. Before you came in, even. Going home. Staying with my family. I don’t think I’d even go back to the Garrison- not for a while at least. I’d just want to spend time with my family. And I know what we’re doing- it’s to protect people. To protect Earth. But sometimes I just want to go back so bad and just let them know I’m okay. Let them know I’m not gone forever, not if I can help it. That I’ll get back to them forever some day.

 

“Sometimes I come out here to look at the stars, when I can’t sleep. And sometimes I can pretend they’re the stars I could see from my bedroom window back in Bristol. And for a minute I feel like I’m home again, and I’m not as homesick then. But then other times I come out here and I can’t pretend. It’s all so different, yknow? And it just reminds me about how far we are. How much farther we keep getting. And then I start wanting to leave again.

 

“Sometimes, I get so homesick I want to throw up. I want to throw up, and cry, and give up. I’ve never actually thrown up. Or given up. Not yet, because I know I shouldn’t. But I still want to. I’d do anything to just be at home, right now. To wake up to Lili cuddling with me because she had a nightmare but Mama and Papa say she’s too old to crawl into their bed anymore. I worry about them so much, I just-”

 

Lance finally stopped his speech to take a deep, shaky breath. Shutting his eyes tightly and shoving the heels of his palms against that in an attempt to keep himself from crying. He knew his voice had already started to break at points as he spoke, and he could handle that, but like hell he’d let himself cry in front of his rival. In front of the guy he absolutely had to be better than in every way possible. But god, how could he even fake that when he just admitted to the guy that he could barely keep himself from leaving Voltron sometimes. He only just barely didn’t dive into how easy it would be to find a new Blue Paladin. Now that would have been a mess.

 

He didn’t even bother to look up as he heard shuffling from Keith, and held himself as still as he could as he listened to Keith walk away. He waited until he heard the door close to let out a choked sob, lifting his head to stare back into space. He couldn’t help but let out more heavy breathed sobs, trying his hardest to not cry loudly as he thought of Earth and his family. A few choked apologies left his lips as he pointlessly sent them out to family members and the other members of Voltron.

 

Apologies for leaving, for not being there when they need him, for not being strong enough to be the Blue Paladin. God, what wasn’t there to apologize for. For lying, for wanting to leave, for not having the right mindset. For stupid shit that probably didn’t even matter to anybody anymore. He didn’t stop his choked and broken attempts (And failures) at apologies until he heard the door to the control room open again, at which point he quickly wiped at every part of his face that felt wet, whether with snot or tears, (which probably just resulted in him making an even bigger mess of his face,) trying to play it off that he’d just been staring out at the stars in silence and not crying his fucking eyes out for the past few minutes. Still sniffling and breathing heavily, he only glanced away from the window when a blanket was tossed over his shoulders and Keith sat down beside him.

 

“It’s okay. To cry.” Keith spoke as he stared at the window. Lance was honestly thankful that Keith wasn’t looking at him as he wrapped the blanket better around himself, sniffling.

 

“It’s okay to want to leave sometimes, too. Believe it or not I’m not a total dick, I had a family too. I know what it’s like to want them back. Maybe not in the same way as you, but I know. And it sucks ass. It’s okay to cry about it. It’s okay to want something you can’t have, too. Sometimes.”

 

Keith gave Lance a look that clearly read he wouldn’t even let Lance attempt to leave Voltron. He may be rolling with this whole ‘rival’ thing, but there was no way in hell he was letting this established paladin leave. Even if he was a bit of a klutz and an annoyance to Keith at times. Lance was the Blue Paladin through and through, he was a team member that Keith wasn’t going to lose any time soon, even if it was on the grounds of him going home.

 

Lance glanced over at Keith before taking a deep breath and turning his gaze back out to the stars. Even though he had a rivalry with the boy, (one-sided, but nobody had the heart to tell Lance that Keith didn’t fucking care and was only humoring Lance. Except for when he pissed off the shorter, that shit was real.) Even through the rivalry, he could admit to himself that he found some source of comfort in Keith’s words. Enough to just curl up in the blanket, staring out at the stars with Keith in a surprisingly comfortable silence.


	2. Do you ever want to turn back time?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes lance gets upset in ways he doesn't usually. Sometimes it's too much to handle it like he usually does.  
> ***  
> not v proud of this ^^"

Two steps forward and one step back. That was always the way that it felt while fighting the Galra, through all the time that they had been. It had been years now, Lance thought. Pidge had grown more than a few inches in height, so it had to have been a long time. He’d lost count of the days over the time. But god, it felt like they’d been out there forever. Fighting the Galra and seeming to get somewhere for once before being knocked back. Their progress was so much slower than he or any other member of Voltron would have liked it to be, but how could they expect otherwise when the Zarkon had the upper hand of unlimited resources and not a single spec of mercy in his soul?

 

He still missed his family and worried, god did he worry. He and Pidge sometimes talked and sulked together over the fact that it had been so long without any sight of their families, worrying together over the status of them. It was an unfortunate thing to bond over, but, it was what they had in common. Two lonely space kids missing and worrying for their families. Or perhaps, at this point, it was more like two space adults. Lance knew he himself had to have been well over 18 at this point, he may have been 17 when they left Earth but they’d been out there well over a year. Probably more like at least three, they hadn’t really any clue. They had no semblance of time or celebration that gave them any vague idea of how long they’d been out there. And sometimes they didn’t even want to know.

 

“How old do you think we are now?” Lance asked one night at Dinner, glancing up from his plate of ever-so-familiar goo.

 

Conversation had lulled momentarily amongst those sitting at the table, and with how much the idea of age had been on his mind recently, he couldn’t help but bring it up. Even if the way the other paladins looked at him was awkward, he refused to look back down at his plate like Pidge. He wanted to know what the others thought, he was still as bold as ever and equally as stubborn. He’d stare at all of them until he had an answer.

 

“I mean, Shiro must be in his thirties by now. I think we’d all be legal adults on Earth right now. Except maybe for Pidge.” He glanced at each Paladin as he spoke their names. Shiro was staring back almost blankly, all his emotion in his eyes. If Lance had to guess he’d say the older man was a little angry, or just generally upset. Because he’s so old, that had to be it. Pidge was still only staring down at her plate, poking at her goo with her fork. He could tell she didn’t even care to be at this table right now, much less while such a concept had come into play. He could respect that.

 

“When we go back we could all drink, legally. We’ve been growing up in space- or, some of us have. I was technically still a minor when we got out here. I’m like, a Space Adult.” He glanced at Hunk and Allura as he continued speaking, watching to see if anybody would say something. Interrupt him, tell him time didn’t matter up here. Tell him again that the only thing that mattered was this dumb back and forth dance with the Galra Empire.

 

“When we get back, do you think my little sister will be all grown up, too? Rita will probably have gotten married. Maybe she and Rico will even have a kid? I’d be, like, a Space Uncle.” He hesitated his one-sided conversation just long enough to sweep his gaze over the table again. No movements from the rest of the table.   
“Do you think they still talk about us? Or, Shiro at least. He wasn’t even on Earth for a full day before he got pulled into space again. Do you think anybody still cares about these missing kids and the re-disappearance of Shiro? I wonder if we’re, like, in legends about aliens or something. What do you guys think?” He finally took a mouthful of his food, giving the other paladins and the Alteans a chance to say something. Anything. But they all just stayed shut up as soon as he brought up age. He almost hoped they all felt bad, or something. Or at least that Allura and Shiro did. He knew Hunk cared, and fuck did he knew how Pidge felt. How she must feel. He felt bad for going off while she was around, really. But she’d hate to hear that.

 

The silence reigned for much too long, Lance continuing to sweep his gaze around the table as he slowly ate. Nobody said anything until Pidge finally set her fork down on her plate, pushing her pile of goop away before standing up.

 

“I’m not hungry. I’m going to my room, I need some alone time.” She turned away from the table, holding still only long enough to cast Lance a glance that meant she wanted to be alone for real when she said that. They two had developed a silent system over the years, to know when they wanted to be around each other and when they didn’t. And while they weren’t as good friends as Lance and Hunk were, their mutual understanding and silent communication was an indication of just how strong their bond with each other was. 

 

“Lance,” The blue paladin looked towards Allura as she spoke his name, focusing a questioning gaze on her as he worked on eating his goo.

 

“I can’t speak for the rest of the paladins, but I believe that was a sensitive topic to breach. At least it seemed so with Pidge.” She paused to lick her lips, and Lance swallowed his goo as she did so. She was so getting ready to reprimand his ass.

 

“Am I grounded?” He asked playfully, trying to keep from being told off about it. Yeah, it may have been a sensitive topic. Heck, he didn’t even like thinking about age and shit most of the time. But he still didn’t want Allura to scold him or whatever- like she even understood how it felt to be in his position. In any of their positions.

 

“Bed without dinner tonight and no video games for a week?” He was almost starting to act out, out of bitterness. That was the type of punishment his mother would always give to him, and really just thinking about it filled him with a rare bitterness as time went on. 

 

Usually when family or age or anything similar came to mind he’d just wind up sad, upset in that manner. He just missed them so much and all similar topics just reminded him of his family. And his main reaction was, still, to pout and be upset about it. But as the years went on he began to develop a more bitter reaction to it. Only sometimes, but there were times when he absolutely resented everything that lead up to finding Blue and coming across the ship. Times where he resented Allura for designating him as the Blue Paladin instead of trying to find somebody else and sending him home. He really did resent Allura the most, sometimes. It was her choice to keep him here, to make him the Blue Paladin. Her fault she was so far away and still fighting the Galra Empire way too many years later. He did almost act out towards her during those moments where he felt particularly bitter, sometimes. And the way this was going, he was already getting aggravated by her. ‘I have no right to speak for the rest of the paladins,’ like that ever stopped her from speaking for them and deciding they were the Voltron Paladins and that was it. Like it stopped her from trying to control what they did in regards to training up their piloting and fighting skills. 

 

Lance took a deep breath after he received no response in the next few Ticks, Allura was probably still looking for something to say. He pushed his plate away from the edge of the table before making full eye contact with Allura.

 

“I hope the Gladiator doesn’t count as a video game.” He tried not to let his bitterness show but he couldn’t help it, and he gave her an all but entirely sarcastic smile before inhaling and turning away, walking away with long strides. That dinner had been too tense for his likes in the first place.

 

*****

 

Running training programs was a surprisingly more effective way to release bitterness and stress than Lance had originally anticipated. Letting your mind blank and see the Gladiator as the person- or people- you had particularly bad feelings towards at the moment. Lance’s mind was flashing from Zarkon to Allura as he ducked and rolled and shot his Bayard at the stupid simulation, stopping only momentarily when he thought he mistook the Gladiator for Keith for a moment. 

 

He still had an inkling of rivalry feelings towards the other man, that much he could admit, but rarely did he feel that bad towards him anymore. At least, not in the same way. Ever since that one night what felt like forever ago, when Keith had brought Lance a blanket and told him it was okay to cry and want to leave sometimes, his feelings towards Keith had slowly changed. Some part of him still wanted to be better than the other paladin, but his jets had mostly been cooled. And honestly he wasn’t even sure he could say he hated Keith anymore, even if his insecurities about Keith being better still stood strong. For the most part, he was okay with the shorter man, now. 

 

So he was pretty relieved when he realized he in fact hadn’t been picturing Keith on the Gladiator, but had instead noticed him now inside the training room as his gaze flicked past the entrance while following the Gladiator. He thought he had some subconscious anger towards the dude, for a second there.

 

Lance stopped long enough for the Gladiator to approach him again, kicking it in the stomach area to cause it to stumble back before shouting for the training sequence to end, dropping his foot once the Gladiator shut down and vanished. He wiped at the sweat on his forehead, taking deep panting breaths as he finally let his body rest, turning his gaze to Keith after a few moments.

 

“What’s up,” He greeted between breaths, leaning back against the nearest wall in an attempt to relax.

 

“You seemed uncharastically pissed earlier. Figured I’d make sure you weren’t in here fucking slaughtering the place.” Keith shrugged, taking a few steps forward before taking one back, resting lightly against the wall diagonal of Lance. Just like that stupid dance they had going with the Galra Empire.

 

Lance let out a dry laugh, letting himself slide down the wall into sitting position. He really could have gone for a glass of water, but, he didn’t have the energy for that right now. His throat would stop hurting eventually.

 

“No, I’m fine. Just had to get a little aggression out, I guess. I see why you do it, now. It’s really good for that kinda shit.” He gave Keith half of a smile, before letting the stretch of his mouth drop into just a ghost of what it was for that brief moment.

 

“You aren’t the type to normally get pissed off. What set you off?” Keith prodded, and suddenly Lance was years younger, standing near the panel of the control room as Keith slowly made his way closer, nervous but saying nothing and wishing he’d just leave. 

 

“Lance?” Keith pushed with just a name, pushing Lance forward and back, stopping at the moment he’d asked Keith that question that ended up changing something in their dynamic.

 

“Do you ever want to turn back time?” He blurted, staring at Keith with eyes that he hadn’t even realized he’d opened wide until the cold air started to make them burn.

 

“Like- like- back to before we found Blue,” He rushed out, giving Keith no time to respond. His heart was pounding and he couldn’t figure out for the life of him why. And he felt the need to say everything he could before Keith could get a word in- to get it all out before Keith shut him down.

 

“To do things differently. I- like, would you have gotten on Blue? Would you have even made an effort to find her, if you knew? What it would all lead to, I mean. These years of fighting the Galra and getting hurt and being stuck around the same 6 people- or 7, if you hate being alone with yourself, I don’t know. Would you have stayed behind? Because I- I think I would have. I think I wouldn’t have even gone out that night. 

 

“I love helping people and I- don’t get me wrong, I really do want to help people and be there for Voltron if you guys need me, but I don’t think you did. I think if I knew, I’d just go home. Stay with my family, maybe just not even go to the Garrison at all if we went back far enough. 

 

“I mean, don’t get me wrong I love you guys- as friends. I wouldn’t want to give up Pidge’s friendship or Shiro or Allura or Coran or- or even you. Whatever the fuck we have, frenemies. I know I’d still have Hunk, and I’d miss you guys because I’d know you guys are still out here. But I still think I’d stay just because- because I miss them. 

 

“I hate being so far away from them, I really hate that it’s been so long and we’re still out here. I mean- we don’t even know how old we are! And sometimes I really hate Allura- god I feel bad for saying that. But if we could turn back time, I think I’d stay on earth. I think you guys would be able to find another Blue Paladin with no problem. I thought this was all something that was going to blow over soon? I mean,” He stopped to let out a bitter laugh, taking a few deep breaths to recover from his speedy speech.

 

“How stupid do you have to be to think like that?” He croaked, casting his gaze down to his feet instead of up at Keith or anywhere else in the room, as he had been before with his rapid talking, arms and eyes snapping all over the place.

 

Lance heard footsteps and for another second he was back in the control room on that night all those years ago, waiting to hear Keith just leave and maybe find him even more weak and pathetic for being the way he was, except this time he was shaking and he didn’t know why.

 

“No.”

 

Lance looked up at Keith’s voice, surprised to find the Red Paladin so close as to standing just a few centimetres in front of him. 

 

“I wouldn’t do anything differently if we did turn back time. I’d pull through just the same, except I apparently may have to track you down and force your ass out to the desert.” He crossed his arms, staring down at Lance as if he was an idiot for even suggesting the idea of hiding away from his role as the blue paladin.

 

“But anybody-” Lance started, lurching forward only to be interrupted right away by Keith.

 

“ _Nobody._ ” He spoke harshly, stepping forward in retaliation to Lance’s movement.

 

“Nobody could replace you, you fucking idiot. Blue was waiting for you, why the fuck else do you think her runes lit up when _you_ touched them? Believe what you want, Blue wouldn’t open up to bring me to the castle, she was looking for _you._ And I would force your ass to go get her again if I had to. You’re the blue paladin of Voltron, a guardian of the universe. And you’re _going_ to see your family again, you don’t need to worry about it so much.”

 

Lance opened his mouth again, only to find he couldn’t let out much more than a cracked squeak, beginning to tear up.

 

He had never expected anything like that to come from Keith of all people, and some part of it had really gotten to him. He sniffled hard before nodding, trying so hard not to cry this time. He’d already cried once in front of Keith, even if it was years ago. He didn’t want the man to feel obligated to take care of or comfort him again like last time.

 

“O-okay.” He managed to squeeze out, voice cracking somewhere in the middle as he turned his attention to the far-too-bright white floors of the Training Room’s floor that were around his legs. 

 

He couldn’t bring himself to look up as he heard fabric rustling, or as the weight of some heavy fabric was draped over his shoulders and down his back, causing a few tears to shake loose and hit the ground. And still, he couldn’t bring himself to look up as he heard Keith take as silent a leave as he could, letting Lance have the time to recover from whatever you could call what just happened. The most he could do other than stare at the ground crying in silence, was cling to the familiar fabric of Keith’s stupidly cropped jacket.


End file.
